REAL TALK #001 - Self Confidence

Note: This post will contain mentions of mental illness/mental health. Please take caution when reading and if you're triggering by reading about mental illness - please do not read on. Also, whatever ways I suggest for dealing with MH is how I deal with things and they may not work for everyone! As well as this, I am not a qualified mental health practitioner/counsellor/psychiatrist.

In all honesty, the main problem of where my self confidence is at its most sensitive is to do with my physical appearance - whether that be weight or face. This has something I've constantly struggled with for years and it's something which I am the most sensitive about.

The basic run down: I was bullied from the ages of 11-16 and the aftermath of this hasn't been as bad as I thought, but it still sucks. I was picked on for not being a 'skinny' girl, for having glasses, for having a small gap between my front two teeth (kinda reminds me of SpongeBob but not as severe), for being short (but being 5ft1 f*cking rocks, I dunno about you) and numerous other stupid reasons (like a rumour going around that because of my weight I looked pregnant, like dudes are you for real? Are you tHAT dumb?).

I grew up being taught by my mother that "bullies only bully other people because they have their own insecurities that they hate, so picking on others makes them feel better."

 Rule 1 of insecurities:


It's a total dick move and not cool. Just don't do it.

But in all seriousness, being bullied is a horrible experience and unfortunately it's as common as a person breathing. It happens all the time and it's upsetting to think that perhaps people you know are going through it. People respond to this in different ways, and it can be minor or it can be severe. Personally, I don't deal with criticism very well (regarding appearance) and the littlest thing said, or dig, will make me tear up and feel bad for a good while. 

I have a bit of advice for people going through self confidence issues, whether if be due to being bullied or something completely different... 

You are not the opinion of 
someone who doesn't know you.

You are the product of something
amazing, wonderful, beautiful
and different.

You are worth it, don't let insignificant
individuals tell you otherwise.

Don't surround yourself with
toxic people.

I've basically lived with that mantra-esque thing since I was 11 and I am now 19 years old and it's still doing me good even since the day I thought of it. 

I know that it's easier said than done (believe me, I've been there, done that and got all the merchandise. I could open my own shop with the amount of stuff I have) and it's easier to just paint a smile on your face and say to everyone you come across that you're okay, but it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to feel bad sometimes, it's okay to feel sad, angry, frustrated, depressed... Don't ever feel like these emotions are banned from you to feel - this is where I tend to fall. I always feel like I'm not allowed to feel negatively because I want everyone around me to not worry. But the thing is, suffering in silence is probably the worst thing to do. It may seem like the easiest thing to do so you spare people's worry, but in the short/long run, it can have bad effects on people.

Telling someone is one of the bravest things you can do, because it's one step forward to resolving things and to begin making things better. Don't let these bad life experiences tarnish you and live as a burden on your shoulders - the sooner you tell someone the better. There's nothing wrong with admitting that something isn't going right. It doesn't make you 'weak' as a person, or display 'weak' actions. It displays that you are brave enough to do something about it.

When I was getting bullied, I never wanted to tell my mum about it. I was 11 years old and still in primary school (what comes before high school to y'all Americans), and I didn't really know what to make of what was going on at the time. I won't go into explicit details, but basically I had people being nice to me to my face and behind my back saying horrible things. I've had this for the whole times I was bullied and this has impacted my trust for people.

I now find it hard to entrust people with things and telling them stuff because one thing wrong and they'll gossip behind my back, or so I think. I guess it depends on if they're toxic people, but it's hard to tell. 

Being in university has changed a lot for me because I have no contact with anyone from high school and I have a brand new bunch of friends who have helped me come out of my shell. Granted, I have seen about three people from my high school that actually attend my university too but the chances of me seeing them every day at least once are so small that they're nearly impossible.

Even though I've been in university from September until presently, it has let me do things I wouldn't normally do (like actually go out to clubs and go to flat parties), but that's to do with my anxiety and it's also something to talk about in another post... But back to what I'm supposed to be talking about.

When I was about 13 I did lose a lot of weight to the point where my rib cage would be a bit obvious and my stomach was so flat that it began to dip in. This was one of the stupidest things I could have ever done because I looked pretty disgusting and it was a low point for me. I felt dreadful even though I thought I'd feel better... Which proved to be total b*llocks since I didn't feel better at all.

I did it mainly to look thinner so the bullying would stop and that society would accept me (looks wise) for how I am, but coming from me as a 19 year old reflecting on my 13 year old self...  As you get older you being to start giving less of sh*t about what other people think of you, but sometimes the low self esteem grey cloud will follow you. It's hard to shake, since I still have the little sh*t of a cloud after me, but one day I'll learn to completely waft it away.

All in all (as my mum says), 

"Life's too short to 
worry about what 
other people think."

Love yourself.

You keep doing you, lovebugs. Show the haters that
you're a fierce human being and nobody can f*ck with you.

- C