Anxiety: My experience

15:03


Note: This post is going to contain mentions of anxiety, as well as being centred purely around that issue. As well as this, there is also going to be mentions of bullying/being bullied. If this will trigger you in any way, please do not read further.


Good afternoon everyone, and welcome back! 

For today's post, I wanted to talk about something which I recently did a poll on, which was what issue in my Draw My Life post I discussed that you'd like to see in complete detail. However, as I feel all 4 issues I listed were important, I'll write about them all, but this one was highly requested, and this is about my dealings, raw experience and suffering with anxiety. This story is going to be both positive and negative, but most of all - 100% truthful.




During high-school, which for me, started almost 9 years ago and ended in the summer of 2015, I didn't have a good run there at all. I was bullied a lot by quite a lot of people, but also it was constant. I didn't have a break from it at all, if I'm honest. I can recall the entire experience if it happened about 5 minutes ago.

It's an experience which I will never forgive people for, because it did ruin my life and my late childhood/majority of teen years. This is not an exaggeration, because if for 5 days a week, 9 until 3 you were forced into an environment where as soon as a group of people saw you, the neverending tormenting remained, you'd feel the same. t's all well and good to say to someone "just ignored them", or "don't respond, it'll only give them the satisfaction they want", but when it eats away at you for so long, you're going to react to it.


My anxiety in high-school was so bad that I changed things about myself so much to try and stop the bullying and to ease my anxiety about it, but that didn't work unfortunately. Everytime I woke up for school and went to get ready, I'd have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be sick (think of when you're stood at the top of the stairs and are about to fall but you catch yourself - that feeling) and my hands always felt numb. I'd having to mentally prep myself to walk to the bus and to get on it, because all I wanted was to get back in bed and wait for the weekend.

clouds, fog, guy

Fast forwarding to the years when my anxiety was at its worst, I was also in sixth form, and approaching my 17th birthday. I was genuinely so excited for sixth form, because I knew quite a few people who bullied me were not going to be going, so that eased me so much. However, once I started, the anxiety got worse. I was put in a sociology class with some people who bullied me and being in there for 2 hours maximum was like torture for me. Don't get me wrong, I loved Sociology and I still do to this day, but the class was something I didn't want to be in. I did what anyone would do when feeling in an uncomfortable situation and asked my teacher if I could swap classes. However, there were a handful of bullies in each one and my class was the one with the least, so I stayed. I didn't let the bullies drive me out of doing a subject I loved and wanted to do, so I guess my willpower remained a bit.

When going to my Sociology lessons, I had to make sure I was one of the first 5 people in there, or my anxiety would play up and I would have to fight with myself to not turn out and skip the lesson. Thinking about it now, it sounded ridiculous at the time, but even new when it's been 4 years, I'm still in that mindset of it being ridiculous (I'm not saying anyone who does this is ridiculous, I just find it that way because I let myself get that worked up). I saw a counsellor just before I turned 18 and then a bit after, but unfortunately this didn't really help so the sessions with them stopped. 



The summer of 2015 finally came and this was also when I left high school for good. I couldn't wait for this day, because I knew that none of the bullies in my school had picked the same university as me to go to, so I honestly thought that the dark prison of anxiety and always being around the bullies would be over. That summer, I spent my time relaxing, seeing friends before going to university and talking to my new flat and building mates for first year of university.

When I finally got to university, I was so excited that it overtook my anxiety. I was going to be living with 6 new people I hadn't met before, as well as being in a building with 62 others as well as myself. My excitement was honestly through the roof. Unfortunately, when Freshers came, I didn't do any of the events for that whole week and extra week off we had before lectures started. My anxiety was too bad and I didn't want to socialise at all. What I wanted to do was stay in my room and wait for it to be over. It sounds like a boring two weeks and it honestly was. The only event I wanted to go to was Freshers Ball, because the person who I really liked was going and I wanted to make an impression, so to speak. I spent a good few hours getting ready, but most of it was me going "What am I doing?" over and over again until I was ready to leave. When I looked through the glass of my flat door and saw his flat and everyone all ready to go, I just threw myself back into my room and cried because I couldn't do it. Anxiety was my honest enemy at that time, more so than the people who bullied me.

I was going to seek help from the university counsellor, but because of how anxious I was, I backed out last minute and lost my place there, so I went solo for the first year of university with my mental health, in hopes I could try and sort things for myself. This worked through using mindfulness apps like Headspace, but also through doing things I enjoyed, like: watching a few episodes of something, going for walks, spending time by myself but keeping myself occupied, video calling family back at home.

I must admit, before I moved to university, the guy I liked who is now my boyfriend used to message me on Facebook or text every day to see if I was alright, how my anxiety was going and he honestly helped me. I never fall in love with people because I honestly didn't know how, nor could I maintain a relationship for me than a week or two without getting bored. This was different. I knew that I really like him and we spent from mid-August 2015 to January 2016 getting to be really close and being best friends, then we finally got together and I honestly have no regrets about that decision at all.

From September 2015 until November 2016, I had anxiety about walking into a room with people in there, because I didn't want people to look at me. I made sure I was in lectures before everyone else, or I met up with people before going in so I wasn't walking in alone. It was the same even when I was at my boyfriend's house. I'd always make him walk in front of me whenever we walked into the house because I didn't want his family looking at me for too long, otherwise my stomach would've melted with anxiety.



I made some amazing friends during university and I'll never forget the moments we all have had - good or bad. It's all learning curves and these people really helped shaped my anxiety and responses to things. I had anxiety about making friends, and university made it so much easier for me. Even though there has been drama and unnecessary arguments, it's just helped me build to being a stronger person.

Moving onto now, 12th January 2017. I'm sat in my university library taking a break from essay writing to do this blog post, and I can honestly say my anxiety hasn't been an issue for me for nearly 3 weeks, I think. It's really strange to think my anxiety hasn't been triggered or anything for a while (and I'm probably jinxing it now). I'm really learning now to stop over thinking things, think of the now and not the later, but most of all, to be myself.

I really hope this post has helped you guys in some way, or even jut gave you more information about myself and that you feel like you've just got to know me better.



Disclaimer: Header image is not mine, it's a free stock photo!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter: @chloemtommo, Instagram: @chloetommo and Bloglovin.
Have an amazing day!

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3 comments

  1. Chloe I am SO proud of you right now! You have had some awful experiences with bullying in the past (I wouldn't wish that on anyone) but I am so delighted that you've come out the other side! I have so much respect for you for taking important steps to look after yourself and manage your anxiety. Your boyfriend sounds like a total sweetheart as well, he's a keeper! Keep fighting m'lovely!

    Abbey 💋 www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. Thank-you so much, Abbey! It's bee a toughie, I must admit but I feel like I'm pulling through pretty well. He is a total sweetie, I picked a good'en! I will keep on fighting, don't you worry!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  2. You are an amazing and strong beautiful lady who has soared in confidence over the last year. Anxiety is awful and you are so brave for blogging about it. You are helping a lot of people. Keep it up and always remember how truly beautiful and amazing you are. Yes I'm your Mum so a lot of people would say I am bias but even if we weren't related it's easy to see how much of a beautiful nature you have. Xxxx

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