Victim, but a warrior

17:16


I must admit, I've been so on and off with writing this post that I've gotten halfway to doing it and then deleted the draft because I didn't feel ready. I honestly never thought I'd ever be ready to release something like this to the public, but I have nothing to lose from it.

I'm ready now.

Note: This post is going contain mentions of sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and suicide. If any of these trigger you, please do not read on. Also, I am not posting this for pity or to boost my blog reads, I'm doing it to (hopefully) provide help for someone out there.

This isn't going to be the easiest thing for me to be able to write, but I'm pulling it out of my head now and not particularly thinking about it so I don't freak out or anything. But it has honestly taken me 10 years to finally be alright with telling others out of my family unit.

From the trigger warning, it kind of gives you an indication of what it was and for confidentiality sake, I will not reveal any names/locations of what happened during this event.

I think one of the root causes for why I've got anxiety and depression comes from this issue which happened and honestly, I wish it didn't. I wish life for me was plain sailing up until now because as a kid, things are supposed to be easy, right?

Whether you believe me for this post or not, I don't care that much. I know in my head what's true and I'm not going to argue on it, so here it is. When I was 10 years old, I was sexually abused.

As I said above, I'm not revealing any names or locations for confidentiality purposes.

Honestly, reading that one sentence on my screen is making my eyes fill up. Not with negativity, but with pride. I'm honestly so f*cking proud of myself for being able to open up to you all about this.

I wanted to write about this because it's affected my mental health and how I am as of today. I felt like I wasn't being 100% truthful with you all and that I want to be able to provide help for people (or at least 1 person) who are dealing with this issue, or have at some point.

How did I feel after it happened?

After this happened, I was in a state of confusion and shock. I didn't really understand what had happened and I couldn't tell anyone because in all honesty, I had no bloody idea. How in the world is a child supposed to tell someone that they've been abused, especially in a sexual nature? I had the biggest fear of not being believed because I know people think children make things up for attention, and this was definitely not the case. When I finally saw my mum after it happened, I just hugged her and sobbed but I told her it was because I missed her, rather than what happened. 

Finally bringing it to surface

Fast forward 3 years and that was when I first spoke about what happened. It was during lunchtime in highschool when I was in Year 9, and it was to my best friend at the time. I had a really blank expression at the time and as soon as the words left my mouth, she dragged me to go find a teacher even though I didn't really want to tell anyone after that. That was when I realised I couldn't keep this under wraps anymore. It had lived in the back of my mind for so long that it was subconsciously eating at me.

 After one of the assistant head-teachers/child protection people (not sure of the proper term) in my school found out, this was the day my mum finally found out what happened, found out what the reason was her daughter came home one day in floods of tears 3 years ago. It all made sense to everyone. I was very good at hiding my feelings about what happened up until this day in my life. I was sent home that day and as soon as my mum laid eyes on me, she broke down in tears and hugged me to the point where I couldn't breathe, and in that moment, I knew everything was going to be okay.

I reported what happened to the police and before I knew it, I was told that I could take this issue to court. I didn't know what was best and nobody told me what was best as they wanted me to make up my own decision on what to do. I know people wanted me to go through with it, I could tell. However, I made the decision myself. A few months passed and my court case approached. I took a day off school to go, and we travelled up to the court so we could deliver our information in front of judge, jury and solicitors. However, due to a case before mine running over, I had to come back the day after for my case and this ruined me. A whole day of fear, anxiety and tears for nothing.

I was given a choice to not bother coming back, or to sit there and give my evidence. I went with option two, and back I went the next day.

I wasn't old enough to stand in the box in the courtroom, so I had to sit in a private room with someone watching me and gave all my evidence through essentially a Skype call. I was full of anxiety that day, and all I wanted to do was cry, sleep, throw up and escape all at the same time. I did not want to be there at all, knowing who did this to me was in a different room in the same building as me.

Fast forward a good while after the court case was over and we finally received our news of the court case, and I was sh*tting a brick. Did I win? Is that person going to prison? Unfortunately, the evidence on my behalf was not strong enough, so I lost my court case. After hearing of this, I was a total mess. I blamed myself for losing, I blamed myself for my lack of strong evidence, I blamed myself for everything.

When I finally went back to school, word had gotten out that I was sexually abused and the court case had happened. I was mortified to walk into my Year 9 art class to have judgemental looks and people coming over to me and questioning me on it, only to be laughed at.

I was branded a liar for this, and when I went home, I cried so much. I hated myself, I wanted to not exist anymore, I wanted to move away. I felt like the ground had opened up and shadow demons had grabbed at my ankles and were tugging me in. It felt like the light was sucked out of my life. 

I took time off school and when I went back, I still got the judgemental looks and sniggers. I shrugged it off and everyone finally shut up about it, and I got on with my life.

Thankfully (she says with the biggest smile ever) I have not seen any of these toxic a**holes for 2 years, and quite frankly - I'm so glad. They made my life a living hell and bullied me constantly for stupid things, and thinking about it now, I never want to see any of them ever again. Their toxic words has brought me so much anxiety, as well as depressive and suicidal thoughts that I'm so thankful they're out of my life and (hopefully) for good.

So, where am I at today?

My 20th birthday is just around the corner and it'll almost mark 10 years of having this issue happen to me. I've seen 3 counsellors since the age of 17, and it's taken me until my third to reveal this. I had enough of a struggle telling my boyfriend about it, but telling people makes it easier for me to deal with, I suppose. Yes, this issue does still give me trauma and it's taken 10 years for me to not have sexual abuse/rape as a trigger warning for me anymore.

I'm currently seeking counselling for my mental health and finally bringing my story of being sexual abused to light made me feel so much better. I felt like I finally had the confidence and strength to do it and I felt on top of the world. Yes, I cried. But it was with relief and happiness. I'm proud to be a warrior, because I'm so much stronger than I think I am, even though sometimes I feel like I'm weak, broken, fragile and not normal.

As an almost 20-year old, I want to say a few things.

  • No matter what someone has gone through, DO NOT LAUGH AT THEM OR JUDGE THEM.
  • Keep your rotten and toxic words to yourself, because you're honestly disgusting for speaking them.
  • If you have suffered from sexual abuse, please do not suffer in silence. I spent 3 years doing it and it honestly was the longest time of my life. It ruined my life for it. I honestly never felt happier than the day I finally spoke out for it.
  • You WILL have support. Regardless of who it's from, you do have somewhere to turn.
  • It's not going to be dark forever, you just have to hold on with every ounce of strength you have.
  • You are loved, wanted and cared for.
  • You are a warrior.


I want to thank every single person in my life who has constantly given me support from day one, as well as for being there for me when it all began. You all know who you are, so thank-you for everything. If it wasn't for your constant support and love, I wouldn't be here. 



Disclaimer: Header image is not mine, it's a free stock photo!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter: @chloemtommo, Instagram: @chloetommo and Bloglovin.
Have an amazing day!

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22 comments

  1. Chloe you are incredible! You had such a horrible thing happen to you, made all the worse by the disgusting, bullying behaviour of your peers at school! I am so so so sorry that you went through such an awful experience, if I could take it all away for you, I would in a heartbeat! Telling people about your experience and seeking help with a counsellor was such a huge step and I'm so proud of you for doing that, I cannot even imagine how scary that must've been! Sharing your experience of something like this is incredibly powerful and you have dealt with the difficult subject matter with such grace and sensitivity. You have no idea how many people out there who have gone through a similar thing will read this and derive hope from your words! You're an inspiring young lady who deserves the very best in life ❤️

    Abbey ✨ www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

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    1. It's been a tough ride I must admit, but I'm glad that I'm pulling through and happier now than I ever have been if I'm honest. I wish it didn't happen, but sometime so think that I may not have turned out the way I have now.

      Thanks so much for this Abbey, it means the world and more to me and reading things like this makes me tear up and smile so much.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  2. My darling Chloe, I am so sorry to have to read this.
    I am so sorry that this ever happened to you and I am SO sorry for all the turmoil it has caused you over the last 10 years.
    You are a strong, brave and beautiful young woman and I really do hope you are SO proud of yourself for speaking out about this event and all that followed. Not just in this post but in life, to your counsellor, your family, your boyfriend. I could NEVER imagine having to deal with something like this.
    How anyone could ever say a horrible word to you regarding this is beyond me. There really are some cruel, vile people in this world.
    You're a trooper girlie! Sending you ALL my love xxxx

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    1. The last 10 years have been a struggle, but I'm proud of myself for pulling through this long and for being how I am in terms of strength. Comments like this honestly mean the world and more to me, so thank-you so much😭❤️

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  3. I'm so sorry that such a terrible thing happened to you, that person better rot in hell/whatever horrible place that exists because how dare they do that to you, and at such a young age?! I actually feel sick in the mouth.

    I can imagine this being really hard for you to write but I'm so proud of you, and I really hope karma hits then really bad one day.

    Sending lots of love!

    Lizzie Bee // hello lizzie bee

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    1. I'm still at a shock for myself now because of the age it happened, let alone it actually happening. I hope it hits them one day, I really do. Thanks so much for this comment lovely, I love all the kind words.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  4. You are beyond amazing for coming forward about this awful thing happening to you. Despite the court case not ending the way you'd hoped, I can't tell you how brace & wonderful you are for making the decision to testify, especially being so young and frightened.

    You are an inspiration. I hope this helps someone who is in the same terrible position. And I hope you find a way to continue being a warrior despite a horrible past. You have my complete and utter admiration.

    Alice x | www.invocati.co.uk

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    1. It was difficult to write and coming to terms with the court case was difficult and to this day I still hate that I didn't win it. However, things go the way they're meant to. I'm actually tearing up at this comment so much, thank-you so much!❤️

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  5. Chloe, you are a brave soul! I'm so sorry you had to endure a traumatic past and it's amazing to see the strength and courage in your words. Keep fighting. Keep inspiring. Continue to be the warrior that you are. Much love to you sweetie!

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    1. Writing this was really hard for me but I feel so much happier now that I have. Thanks so much for this, Demi. I honestly appreciate the kind words!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  6. No words can describe what I'm feeling and thinking right now! Sending my love to you Chloe ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thanks so much lovely, it really means so much to me!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  7. Chloe I am so proud of the way you have adressed this and the way you are dealing with it. It breaks my heart that as your mum I wasn't there to prevent it as this is my job. Everyone who loves you and cares about you knows you were telling the truth and I know how hard this has been for you. I will always be here for you and will protect you with my last breath. Love you so much and you should be so proud of what you have achieved. You aren't a victim you are a survivor and I hope this post helps others to come forward and believe they are not alone. Mum xxxxx

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  8. Reading this made me tear up so much, Mum. No matter what, you still did your job as a parent as well as still doing that job everyday. Just because of that one incident doesn't doubt your skills at all. Thanks so much for this mum, love you loads❤️❤️

    - Chloe
    xoxo

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  9. Chloe:
    I wanted to write something on your blog first but I also might text you for a more private discussion if that's okay!
    You are genuinely one of the bravest and most inspirational people I have ever met. I can't imagine how difficult this must have been and of course I understand you deleting the draft! I think it's absolutely incredible how strong you've been; seeing that court case fail, only through fault of our judicial system and 100% NOT you must have of course made you feel so absolutely devastated, one can only imagine the extent. But here you are, almost 20, and fighting everyday. I couldn't be prouder of you if I tried, and I'm so glad we are friends. I love you so much.
    Laura xxxxxx

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    1. Totally fine, lovely! Yeah, it was hard to hear that I lost the case but I can't spend the rest of my life pondering on it and blaming myself really. I'm actually crying at this comment, thank-you so much for this, Laura. It means the world and more to me, like you have no idea. Love you too sweets!!

      - Chloe
      xxxxxxxxx

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  10. Chloe, I am glad to have met you through the Internet. Girl you're an inspiration. And I can't imagine the stress ans anxiety you had to go through to put this here. I just want to meet you and give you a tight hug and then spend the whole day with you watching movies and playing video games (you will have to teach me tho). You're a true warrior and one of the bravest souls. Keep fighting and inspiring. ❤️

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    1. Aw Tanya, thank-you so much for this. Haha, one day I'll show you how to play because I have a game world to show you! This comment meant a lot to me and I honestly appreciate it!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  11. I am so glad you finally spoke out about this! ❤ It's amazing your story and I'm glad you stood up and said no more and it went to court. Even through your case didn't win and people branded you a lier, you know the truth and you brought it to light. I can bet 100% that people in the abusers life looked at them differently and they went through hell. They have to live with the fact the done that to a child... A CHILD! and they will be the ones who should be mentally tortured. It's disgusting that these things happen but you are a warrior. You are amazing. And you are so much more than those toxic shit heads who bullied you. I'm sending you all the love ❤❤ - Jordanne xoxox

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    1. I tried so many times to do it, but I felt like I wasn't ready. Now I am and I'm really happy I spoke out about it, because I want to be of help and give a safe zone. I hope they did, and I hope they suffer for it. I never wish anything like that on anyone, but with this person I definitely do. Thanks so much Jordanne, love you to pieces, girlie❤️❤️

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  12. Hey Chloe,

    First of all, you are so incredibly brave, strong and courageous. I admire you in every way and I'm so glad we are friends. I've read this a few times, the first time it was incredibly hard because I was sexually abused 6 years ago. But I find comfort in that there are people who know what I've been through.
    That said, I'm so proud of you for writing this, you are a true inspiration. You are one of the strongest person I know, and I'm always here for you <3

    Marc | www.ohbuggerall.com

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    1. Marc, I'm honestly really proud of you because I know this would've took a lot for you to read this given what you've said. I agree with you with regards to comfort. This comment means a lot to me and you're an inspiration to me as well! Thank-you so much for this.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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