This has been a topic that I've wanted to discuss for a while, but I've always put it off. I'm not sure why I have done that, but I've decided now that I'd like to discuss it. Today, I'm going to be discussing my journey with my weight and body.
Note: This post is going to contain mentions of weight related issues, for example: self confidence, eating disorders. If this is going to trigger you in any way, please don't read further.
If you're a regular reader of chloetommo, you'll know that I was bullied quite a lot between the ages of 10/11-18 years old. It was for a lot of different things, but mainly it was for my weight. I have (kind of?) broad shoulders, as well as the fact that I put on weight extremely easily, even though about 5 years ago I had a very high metabolism - as in when I ate food, I swear I lost weight (probably not true, but that's what it felt like).
I also didn't shift my 'puppy fat' very quickly when I went from child to teenager, so that didn't help either really. It never really bothered me, until I started doing P.E. in high school. All the girls groups who were timetabled for P.E. in that period had to share the changing rooms then they'd split off into their allocated groups. This was hard, since the 'popular' and skinny girls would be there, and they'd mock people. It was irritating to me, because I didn't think people could be that shallow, so I just brushed it off.
Fast forward to 2012, when I was 15 and this was when sh*t hit the fan. I was being bullied even more for my weight, and someone even had the audacity to say that I was pregnant, because I had a tummy. To clarify, I wasn't pregnant and never have I ever been. This really upset me and I told my mum the day I went home after that rumour circulated, and she told me to sarcastically agree. I went in the next day and when I responded, I literally did an eye roll so painful, I felt like my eyes had detached from where it's placed. I also said in the most mocking voice ever "Oh yeah, of course I am". As idiotic as they were, they actually didn't understand my sarcasm and took it as confirmation.
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October 2012, age 15 |
In response to the rumours that kept circulating, I became so self conscious that I ended up not eating properly for a minimum of 14 days straight, and I weighed myself 4 times a day. This was awful, as I used to keep a journal (I disposed of it years ago) which had my weight recordings down everytime. It made me feel dreadful, especially because I'd have a breakdown if my weight went up or stayed the same. In my head, it needed to go down. Doing this had a drastic effect on me, as if made me get tired very easy, I lost weight off my breasts and I began to look ill. At this age, I wore make-up so it was easy for me to cover up parts of my face that made me look unwell, particularly my eyes.
When I realised what I was doing wasn't healthy, I tried to coax myself out of it and got back to eating normally, eventually. Proven to be a struggle, my attempts weren't as successful as I'd hoped, as whenever I went to eat, it was as if my body and stomach were rejecting the food. The thought, image, smell and taste of food was turning my stomach everytime, no matter what it was.
Moving forward to about age 18, my mental health wasn't really that great and due to stress from exams and applying for university, I was flipping between binge eating all day, every day, or not eating at all. It wasn't a good time for me, as stress, depression and anxiety were in the mix, and it was affecting everything. Luckily in sixth form, I had a bit more freedom with my uniform, as long as I wore black and white, so I got away with things I wouldn't have when I was in lower school or upper school.
I was going to take this as an opportunity to be myself and to dress how I felt comfortable, as opposed to being in a uniform I was forced to follow. I bought a dress from Topshop to use as a pinafore, and it was honestly the most gorgeous thing ever. It was plain black with a deep plunge on the front which mirrored on the back as well. I wore it with a white short sleeve shirt and it really made my figure stand out (I have a quite exaggerated hourglass figure). It made me feel confident as a person, and this kind of turned my perspective a little bit.
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First night out in my 'pinafore', as well as dealing with horrific anxiety! |
Where am I today?
Currently, I'm between a size 12 to size 16 (varies for different clothing, a 16 due to bust, and 12 due to waist) and in all honesty, I'm happy. Sure, I go to the gym and I want to try and eat healthier, but I'm not worried about my weight anymore. I will admit, I do get days where I wish I was thinner, had a flat stomach, a more toned bum, less stretch marks... But I can't live my life wishing I could nip and tuck every little thing I find 'wrong' about myself. I don't even see it as wrong anymore, just different. I haven't weighed myself since the weight issues, and it does make me feel good (also I refer to the scales as the naughty step, thanks Joe Wicks!)
A lot of the time, I look around at people and think "We're all made the same way, and are all human, yet how can we all look so different?" And that sometimes honestly baffles me. We all have different shapes and sizes, we are all of different gender, race and religion, but we all have one thing in common, no matter how different we are.
We're all human.
I hope you enjoyed reading this, and if you have any questions at all, feel free to leave them in the comments or get in contact with me on Twitter!
Disclaimer: Header image is not mine, it's a free stock photo!
Disclaimer: Header image is not mine, it's a free stock photo!
Feel free to follow me on Twitter: @chloemtommo, Instagram: @chloetommo and Bloglovin.
Have an amazing day!