My body and me

14:30


This has been a topic that I've wanted to discuss for a while, but I've always put it off. I'm not sure why I have done that, but I've decided now that I'd like to discuss it. Today, I'm going to be discussing my journey with my weight and body.

Note: This post is going to contain mentions of weight related issues, for example: self confidence, eating disorders. If this is going to trigger you in any way, please don't read further.

If you're a regular reader of chloetommo, you'll know that I was bullied quite a lot between the ages of 10/11-18 years old. It was for a lot of different things, but mainly it was for my weight. I have (kind of?) broad shoulders, as well as the fact that I put on weight extremely easily, even though about 5 years ago I had a very high metabolism - as in when I ate food, I swear I lost weight (probably not true, but that's what it felt like).

I also didn't shift my 'puppy fat' very quickly when I went from child to teenager, so that didn't help either really. It never really bothered me, until I started doing P.E. in high school. All the girls groups who were timetabled for P.E. in that period had to share the changing rooms then they'd split off into their allocated groups. This was hard, since the 'popular' and skinny girls would be there, and they'd mock people. It was irritating to me, because I didn't think people could be that shallow, so I just brushed it off.

Fast forward to 2012, when I was 15 and this was when sh*t hit the fan. I was being bullied even more for my weight, and someone even had the audacity to say that I was pregnant, because I had a tummy. To clarify, I wasn't pregnant and never have I ever been. This really upset me and I told my mum the day I went home after that rumour circulated, and she told me to sarcastically agree. I went in the next day and when I responded, I literally did an eye roll so painful, I felt like my eyes had detached from where it's placed. I also said in the most mocking voice ever "Oh yeah, of course I am". As idiotic as they were, they actually didn't understand my sarcasm and took it as confirmation.

October 2012, age 15
In response to the rumours that kept circulating, I became so self conscious that I ended up not eating properly for a minimum of 14 days straight, and I weighed myself 4 times a day. This was awful, as I used to keep a journal (I disposed of it years ago) which had my weight recordings down everytime. It made me feel dreadful, especially because I'd have a breakdown if my weight went up or stayed the same. In my head, it needed to go down. Doing this had a drastic effect on me, as if made me get tired very easy, I lost weight off my breasts and I began to look ill. At this age, I wore make-up so it was easy for me to cover up parts of my face that made me look unwell, particularly my eyes.

When I realised what I was doing wasn't healthy, I tried to coax myself out of it and got back to eating normally, eventually. Proven to be a struggle, my attempts weren't as successful as I'd hoped, as whenever I went to eat, it was as if my body and stomach were rejecting the food. The thought, image, smell and taste of food was turning my stomach everytime, no matter what it was.

Moving forward to about age 18, my mental health wasn't really that great and due to stress from exams and applying for university, I was flipping between binge eating all day, every day, or not eating at all. It wasn't a good time for me, as stress, depression and anxiety were in the mix, and it was affecting everything. Luckily in sixth form, I had a bit more freedom with my uniform, as long as I wore black and white, so I got away with things I wouldn't have when I was in lower school or upper school. 

I was going to take this as an opportunity to be myself and to dress how I felt comfortable, as opposed to being in a uniform I was forced to follow. I bought a dress from Topshop to use as a pinafore, and it was honestly the most gorgeous thing ever. It was plain black with a deep plunge on the front which mirrored on the back as well. I wore it with a white short sleeve shirt and it really made my figure stand out (I have a quite exaggerated hourglass figure). It made me feel confident as a person, and this kind of turned my perspective a little bit.

First night out in my 'pinafore', as well as dealing with horrific anxiety!

Where am I today?

Currently, I'm between a size 12 to size 16 (varies for different clothing, a 16 due to bust, and 12 due to waist) and in all honesty, I'm happy. Sure, I go to the gym and I want to try and eat healthier, but I'm not worried about my weight anymore. I will admit, I do get days where I wish I was thinner, had a flat stomach, a more toned bum, less stretch marks... But I can't live my life wishing I could nip and tuck every little thing I find 'wrong' about myself. I don't even see it as wrong anymore, just different. I haven't weighed myself since the weight issues, and it does make me feel good (also I refer to the scales as the naughty step, thanks Joe Wicks!) 



A lot of the time, I look around at people and think "We're all made the same way, and are all human, yet how can we all look so different?" And that sometimes honestly baffles me. We all have different shapes and sizes, we are all of different gender, race and religion, but we all have one thing in common, no matter how different we are.

We're all human.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, and if you have any questions at all, feel free to leave them in the comments or get in contact with me on Twitter!

Disclaimer: Header image is not mine, it's a free stock photo!

Feel free to follow me on Twitter: @chloemtommo, Instagram: @chloetommo and Bloglovin.
Have an amazing day!

You Might Also Like

22 comments

  1. Chloe you are STUNNING! Your figure is exactly as you describe it, an hourglass shape, which is always the one that is lauded as the "perfect" body type! It makes me so angry that those horrible bullies made you feel so awful when you didn't look pregnant in the slightest! They were probably acting out all their insecurities and trying to deal with them by mocking you, when you absolutely didn't deserve it! Grrr! I think you look fab in your pinafore! You have nothing to worry about in regards to your weight! Stay confident because you're perfect as you are!

    Abbey 🌸 www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for this comment, Abbey! It was so lovely to read. People's rumours can be so stupid, I do regret doing what I did, but it did make me learn that I didn't need to do it and I should be happy with myself. Love you girlie, stay awesome!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  2. We are all very much human. Oh yes, these words are so true. A few years ago, I posted a video about my stretch marks covering my stomach - I've had 2 kids, and I got quite a bit of feedback from people who felt bad about how they look. Stretch marks - you can't control them, so no need to fret. I am tiny, but I also have a tummy and really wide hips for my size. Again, the children. However, I really don't care anymore. I like food, I like healthy food, and I like working out sometimes when I feel like it. It's not something I let control me. It's so easy to let it get to you, especially with all that instagram body stuff, but who cares. They look beautiful as they are, and so do we. Cheers for this post, darling! Much love for you!

    Ashlynn, The Crimson Cardigan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you, we can be so easily influenced with what's deemed as 'desirable' in society. Thanks so much for the comment and the love!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  3. This post reached out to me in a big way, I am ex bulimic with confidence issues and whenever I read posts like this I remember how tough that fight was and how proud I am of myself and others who have won that fight. Great post xx

    Itsallzara.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You really are tough, and you're also a fighter. Be proud of how how far you've come! Thanks for taking the time to read the post and comment, Zara!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  4. Awhhh Chloe, thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate, my weight has been an issue for me pretty much my whole life (despite being perfectly fine in all my teen years). I'm not where I want to be but I've learnt to love myself while working on myself (:

    You're beautiful the way you are!

    Ashlee
    ashleemoyo.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you so much for this, Ashlee! I'm sorry that it's been an issue for you, and I hope soon you can get to a place where it doesn't bother you. I'm glad you've learned to love yourself though, that's great!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  5. Thank you for sharing this! I feel I relate in terms of eating issues at school and I didn't even realise what I was doing at the time, but I know I'm not happy with how I am. I've tried accepting my weight but it doesn't make me happy, I'm currently at uni and don't have a routine in my life so it's hard to keep up with eating better and exercise, but I will eventually find something to suit me!

    I'm glad you're feeling better in yourself! It's such a great feeling to be happy with how you look!

    Saffron x

    saffronwatson.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for the comment and for reading, it really means a lot to me. I hope you do find something that will suit you and that you end up feeling better about yourself soon, although I'm sure you're gorgeous as you are!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  6. Thank you for sharing you look gorgeous! I also don't weigh myself any more and Joe Wicks calling it the naughty step haha it's true though! I'm so glad you're feeling better in your own skin, Love Sophia xx
    http://sophiawhitham.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Definitely! Him calling it that is so true. I went to weigh myself in the gym last year and as I approached it I was like "Think of the naughty step", so it stopped me. Thank-you so much for reading and commenting, Sophia! It means a lot to me.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  7. Great post, big props to you for writing this. I don't know if I"ll ever be able to publicly write about my body image struggles, but I have major respect for those who can! Love that you confronted the issue and were able to say we're all human. I hope you realize how beautiful you are!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for reading this post, and for commenting. There's totally no pressure to post your story out there, but I hope that for you, things are good at the moment - because you deserve it!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  8. Thank you for sharing your story, it is actually very similar to mine. You are beautiful, and I agree with you, it's not worth spending your life worrying so much about what you look like but we should all just focus on the positives and do whatever makes us feel happy x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's no bother at all, Emily. Thanks so much for the comment, and for reading the post! I spent so long worrying about what I look like, that it was interfering with so much, that even then it was having a domino effect!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  9. Thanks so much for sharing this, I loved it! I'm so sorry you had a hard time in school, but you're so gorgeous! We should all treat our bodies with love because they are always there for us and we should be proud of them xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you so much for the lovely comment! School was tough, but now that I've been away from it for almost 2 years, I feel a lot happier now, even if my mental health doesn't agree sometimes. We really should, our bodies do so much for us that we do take it for granted!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  10. This is such an amazing post... The message is so inspiring! I'm really sorry you had to put up with everything, but I'm so glad you're better now!
    By the way, I nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award (my post’s right here: https://andreasnirvana.wordpress.com/2017/04/05/my-mystery-blogger-awards-nomination/).
    Let me know if you’re planning on doing it!! :D
    Keep hustling x
    Andrea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Andrea! Your comment is so lovely, and I really appreciate that you read it too. It's been a tough ride, but I'm hoping this is the end and I can start being happy again. Thank-you so much a well for the nomination, it's very lovely of you and I'm flattered!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete
  11. I really admire how you managed to recover and gain such a wonderful, positive attitude after your struggles. It's so inspiring for me! I'm struggling with my weight and my self image a bit right now so I just really appreciate and relate to this post a lot. Thank you so much for sharing it.

    Beccah xx
    thehonestolive.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Beccah. I really appreciate the comment and love for the post. I hope that one day, you'll find peace and love for yourself and your body because you deserve it, and also deserve to feel good!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

      Delete

Thanks so much for your comment! Note: Any anonymous hate will be deleted straight away.

Subscribe