Saying goodbye

19:53


Broken. Absolutely broken. That's how I've been describing my feelings today. It's been nearly 5 hours since we had to say goodbye, and it's been nothing short of utterly heartbreaking and emotional, and we've all been feeling it.

It probably comes across as a bit stupid to be dedicating a blog post to a pet I've recently lost, but I don't care. She meant a lot to me. Actually scrap that. Everything. She meant everything to me. She had been in my family for almost 11 years, which is a really long time. I can remember on that cold November day in 2007 with 5 of my other family members, searching high and low for 'the one' dog, but after spending a lot of time at a rescue shelter, we didn't find it. However, we came across a section of the RSPCA in Llys Nini, Swansea and I saw Mabel. She was dumped on the side of a road as a puppy and that's what broke my heart. How could this innocent little thing be left there?

Everyone had wandered off and I called them back with a "Hey guys, what about this one?" and that was it. We picked her up after one of my Performing Arts classes on a Saturday and the excitement was running through us all.




She was my best friend growing up, and I absolutely loved her to pieces. My friends loved it when I brought her out when I came out to play with them, it was the best. I loved coming home after school and being greeted with her - one of the nicest things in the world. She was so loyal, friendly, graceful and gentle. Her attitude was so lady-like, and she was definitely a total diva when she wanted to be.

We were initially told she had kennel cough, due to her breathing being very shallow and she would hack and basically honk like a goose. It didn't bother me too much to start, but the breathing was the main concern. It's honestly scary to think how it could've started off how it did and end up like this 2 weeks later. I can't say that it wasn't kennel cough because I'm not a vet, and when animals (like people) get older, a cough/cold can lead to something worse. 

In the last week, she had been throwing up food, not showing any interest in appetite, refusing to eat treats (ones she absolutely loved as well, might I add), she kept pushing her head down slightly to help make the breathing easier, she wouldn't come to the kitchen table when we are to try and hound us for food (she did this A LOT, and succeeded... Quite a lot!) and she was just genuinely exhausted, you could see it in her eyes that if she could talk, she'd be saying how tired she was all the time.

Mable on 28/04/17, looking as graceful as ever.


We took Mabel to the vets this morning due to her throwing up and her (and I quote from my mum) "back end was going". My heart literally stopped. I ran outside to see her and the way she was laying in the grass made it seem like her back legs gave up on her. Thankfully, her legs were fine but due to how tired she was, she barely wanted to move. I was sick to my stomach with worry, nerves and anxiety. I know that due to her age and with her getting ill, literally anything could happen. She could get fully cured and live a few more years, or the worst could happen. We had no idea, it was a literal gamble and we had to keep it together and try to stay positive.

At 1 this afternoon, my mum called the vet to get an update, and we were told that: her lungs were showing black on the x-rays (meaning fluid on the lungs), they couldn't get a good picture of her heart and that she needed to stay overnight in the emergency vets. This worried me, but I had hope. I really did. The vet then proceeded to tell my mum that she should call back again between 3 and 4 for another update on Mabel. 

At 2:44, mum got a call and all I heard from my mum was "Should I come down now?" and that's when myself and my brother knew that it could be the end. We zoomed around the house at lightning speed and before we knew it, we were back in the car to the vets because they had to resuscitate her. That's honestly when I lost all hope. In the car I had to tell my Gramps what had happened and I was in bits, I couldn't stop crying. I felt so numb, it was unreal. As soon as we got to the vets, I basically ran into the building and said that we were here to see Mabel. We waited for a few minutes and were called into a room and she was not in sight (forgetting that she wouldn't be in the examination room if she was on oxygen).

The vet told us that she was in a critical state with a tube going down her throat to breathe for her and probably wouldn't survive the trip to the emergency vets that she was meant to go to this evening. The image of what she possibly looked like was bringing me to tears and tearing up my heart. 

"Is she in any pain?"
"No, she's not in any pain."


Those words soothed my pain, but didn't soothe my anxiety or worry. I was glad my little baby wasn't in pain, but the worst case scenario was in my mind the entire time. She said that she would see how Mabel was doing and that we could see if we wanted (only if she was awake and stable). After what seemed like forever, the vet returned and said we could all go in and see her.

Turning the corner and seeing Mabel there was heartbreaking. She was hooked up to an oxygen machine with a tube down her throat. It was the most horrific thing I had ever seen. Her breathing resembled someone who had just finished running a marathon and you could see it in her gorgeous brown eyes that she was scared. As soon as she heard us (she couldn't see due to being resuscitated, but we were told she could definitely hear us and feel us), her breathing quickened and she tried to get up to see us. It was awful to see, not because I knew she could end up going, it was how she must've been feeling in that situation.

3:08pm, 1 minute after her passing.

We had the choice of being with her when she was being put down, and a lot of me didn't want to be there. I didn't think I could face seeing my dog, my best friend, the way she was. I honestly couldn't bare the thought. However, I said yes because the last time she saw me properly was earlier in the morning and it wasn't a 'proper' goodbye, I actually said "see you soon, baby". When the vet was preparing the injection to put Mabel to sleep, she spat the oxygen tube out from her mouth and onto the floor, like... As if she was ready for it? My eyes the entire time were on the vet who was getting the injection ready, and we were warned that a lot of fluid could come up, and my mum asked if myself and my brother still wanted to stay after she had gone. 

We both said we wanted to stay and all of us made sure we all were touching a part of her as the injection began. After 5 seconds of the injection starting, she was gone. It was hard to watch, but I don't regret my decision at all. Mabel deserved to have us all there with her in her last few moments, and I couldn't let my emotions get in the way of that. As she started to go, my eyes were on where her lungs were, and watching her chest slow down and finally stop was... I don't even have the words for it. I'd say heartbreaking, but that doesn't even come close. About 3 seconds in when her breathing started to slow, I asked the vet if she had gone. I didn't get an answer, but 2 seconds later the most painful thing to hear happened.

"Her heart's stopped."

She left the world the same way she did when we first had her, telling her how much we loved her and how much of a good girl she was. I know it meant a lot to her to have us all there in her last moments because she definitely did not deserve to go on her own, like she did before she was resuscitated. 

My brother and I stayed with Mabel after she had passed so we could say some things to her and just take in what had happened. Her eyes were still open which didn't make the experience worse, it was like she was still there even though you couldn't see her breathe - as if she were frozen on the spot. The vet gave us clippings of her fur (which I asked for, and only looked in it today: 13/06/17, and saw that amongst her black fur, there is a little white piece) and also offered to give us prints of her paw (the one I was holding as she passed), which makes it a million times more sentimental.



Now it's almost 8 o'clock in the evening and my mind is replaying the last 5 seconds of her life over and over in my head. I'm trying hard to distract myself, but the fact of my little baby not being here anymore makes me feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I'm going to miss her so much, as will my family and other dog, Tommy, but we'll never forget the good times we've had with her and how much we loved and will always love her.

She's going to be cremated and given back to us in the next 2 weeks, so it'll be like she never left, pretty much. The photo of her in this post from the 28th April will be what goes in the box, and I couldn't be happier. It was one of the last photos of her we have before she got ill which I managed to snap with my camera.


Mabel trying to distract me from an essay in December 2016, clearly wanting me to fail!
I'll never forget Mabel, and all of the times we had together. The time where I was in the garden with a hoop and treats to try and get her to learn tricks, but she ended up running around the other side of the hoop to eat the treat, when it was stormy, she'd run to my bed and stay on the end of it, whenever I'd try to do workouts, she'd constantly lick my face until I stopped, giving millions of slobbery and wet kisses whenever you were sat on the sofa, being a great companion for our other dog Tommy.

I can't thank the vets enough for everything they did for Mabel, especially when they resuscitated her and managed to bring her back and letting us see her one last time. I also can't thank my mum enough for making the decision she had to make in order to benefit Mabel the most. It must've been so hard, but she made the right choice. She went the best way possible, and I know my mum will blame herself for us losing her, but it was better than Mabel potentially recovering from this and coming home, then crashing again and we couldn't do anything for her (resuscitation and what-not). I also can't thank Llys Nini enough for giving us the chance to bring Mabel into our lives and for letting us give her the life she could've dreamed of.

Also a huge thank-you to everyone who has sent me messages of kind and loving words, it means a lot to myself, my family and to our little angel Mabel (she'd be giving you all massive kisses and licks right now!).


Feel free to follow me on Twitter: @chloemtommo, Instagram: @chloetommo and Bloglovin.
Have an amazing day!

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22 comments

  1. My eyes are full of tears right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. It would break me too if I lost my dog :(

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    1. She was our first one, so it's been very painful and numbing today. I know she'd hate for us to be upset! Thank-you so much lovely, it means the world to myself and my family.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  2. I am so so saddened by your loss. My mom had to say goodbye to her dog and I was in bits when I heard; I can't image how you must be feeling after being so close to her. I'd be devastated if I lost either of my pets ☹️ Take care, and just be comforted with your happy memories of her, and the fact that she's at peace now Xxx

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    1. I'm so happy she's at peace now, and that my mum made the right decision which was in the best interests of Mabel. She'd be happy that she did that. Thank-you so much for your lovely words, sweet. It means the world.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  3. Sending lots of love to you all, it's such a hard thing to go through especially after having such a close bond. Let all the memories live on knowing she will be with you in doggy spirit πŸ’“

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    1. Thank-you so much, Zara. It means a lot! It's been an extremely tearful and painful day, but we'll pull through together. She'll never be far away!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  4. I'm genuinely crying. I had to have my dog Sandy put down last March and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know someday I'll have to the same for my baby Dean and I know it'll hurt all over again.

    My thoughts are with you at this time and you are more than welcome to message me on twitter if you need to talk. Lots of love xx

    Itsallzara.co.uk

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    1. Oh Zara, I'm so sorry lovely! That must've been so awful to have to have gone through. Thank-you so muchπŸ’š

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  5. Cannot imagine how you feel right now, but sending hugs and love! If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to dm me! Hope you feel better πŸ˜“ Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you so much lovely, the support and love means a lot to myself and my family x

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  6. Oh I`m so sorry for your loss I recently lost my furry best friend in a car accident and was just glad I got to say goodbye.Your dog is adorable and I`m sure she`s watching over you! Sending hugs

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    1. Aw Sara, I'm so sorry for your loss too. I hope she's watching over me too, I miss her a lot.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  7. I'm truly sorry for your loss here Chloe. It must be awful to lose a pet that has been so treasured for the past 11 years. I hope that you are feeling a little better and that it's not playing on your mind as much!

    Lauren :) x

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    1. Thanks so much Lauren, I honestly appreciate it so much. I'm not as upset as I was on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm just more gutted than everything.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  8. Aw this is so sad!! Hope you are ok I know how much they mean to you

    Ellie

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    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely, I really appreciate it. She meant a lot to me and I'm gutted more than anything, if I'm honest.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. :( *cuddles you*

    I lost my dog nearly 10 years ago now and although I've gotten through what happened, it still doesn't affect me when thinking about getting another dog.

    Just keep remembering and thinking about all the lovely moments you shared with her. She's in a better place now. <3

    https://theremightbecoffee.wordpress.com/

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    1. We're thinking of getting another dog soon because our other dog is by himself now, and we want to do it for him (he's only known life whilst living with another dog, so without is weird to him). She is in a better place and I'm happy she went pain-free.

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  10. This was such an emotional read. My heart is breaking for you. Such a difficult thing to have to go through. Your little darling was absolutely beautiful and I'm sure her memory will live on forever with you xxxxxxxxxx

    Sending the biggest cuddles your way xxxxx

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    1. Thanks so much for this Charlene, it means a lot to me. It's been difficult, but now I'm more gutted than upset if I'm honest!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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  11. Emotional read but I'm glad Mabel was pain free. Hope she is resting in peace and I'm wishing you and your family well!

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    1. I hope so too. Thank-you so much, Faisal!

      - Chloe
      xoxo

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